I walked into the Student Center today and saw his face on the TV. It was a face I dreaded. There was no way that the conclave had just elected Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger as the pope. Did they? Yep. What followed was a quick jog back to the apartment to watch CNN and skip lunch until Buddhism class.

My first suspicion of Ratzinger started in my Contemporary Catholicism class last Fall. Before I’d even read anything about him I was suspicious. It may have been that ‘rat’ is in his name, but something just rubbed me the wrong way. After I’d read more about him, he wasn’t villainous, but he did go against a lot of things I appreciate. Heading the group that censured theologians, Ratzinger started out on the wrong position with me. Coming from my background, I can rarely see times where censorship is the best solution, especially in terms of Liberation theology as well as women’s ordination.

Could it really have happened? They had just elected this man to serve as a spiritual leader to over 1 billion people, and someone to be admired by even more.

After several hours of stewing over it, I think I’m more comfortable with it than I would have been with a dark horse papabile. Benedict is known for his strict stance and his ability to deal with doctrine. While for most this may be a negative effect, he could strengthen the church by helping Catholics articulate their faith even better than many do now.

My biggest concern was his stance on Christian unity. Interdenominational efforts probably aren’t going to be helped by his papacy. His strictness will get in the way. Watching CNN this afternoon I saw an interview with Cardinal Kasper, the German Cardinal who heads the Pontifical Council on Christian Unity. I loved his comments. While he didn’t reassure me that Benedict would be the best Pope for unity (almost no one could be after John Paul II), he did serve as a reminder that the Catholic Church is more than just the Pope. Even though Papal primacy still exists, the Catholic Church is also mostly made up of the over 1 billion other members.

A lot of the issues of ‘crisis’ for the American Catholic Church probably won’t be solved by Benedict. Even though the priesthood shortage, the laity’s struggle for an involved role, and the general distrust in the hierarchy won’t be solved, Benedict will, hopefully, be able to give Catholics a firmer voice.

Benedict’s comments when he appeared at the window overlooking St. Peter’s square, “I am comforted by the fact that the Lord knows how to work and act even with insufficient instruments. And above all, I entrust myself to your prayers.” Just like God working in the Eucharist through inept priests, I’m anxious to see God work through Benedict. Surprises may, and probably will, happen.

What’s that place that’s always open and usually no one will know your name? I had to get transparency sheets tonight that I could print on my laser printer. Staples? Negative, closes at 9pm. Office Max? Negative, closes at 9pm. Target? Negative, closes at 10:00pm (I was close to making it for that one). Wal-mart! That’s always open — at least the one on Hulen street is, right? NOPE!!! Wally World was actually closed tonight. When I drove up I definitely saw all of the lights off and signs in front of the doors saying “Closed due to Power Outage.”

It was almost as if someone was trying to send me a sign telling me to quit spacing off my time schedule and putting things off until the last minute. It’ll be a life-long habit. Nevertheless, it was entertaining to have four stores all closed. I’m still in good spirits though. I got a lot done today! Last night before I went to bed I came up with a list of 19 things I needed to do today. I finished 6 of them, have 4 of them halfway done, at think I can get to the rest of the list by the end of the week. The summer’s adventures and then this fall’s travels to Italy and Europe are keeping me afloat at the moment (in the clouds or something else, take your pick).

OK, I’m going to quit apologizing for not updating this as often. It’s SO hard to do with a college schedule; or I guess it’s hard with this student’s college schedule.

This weekend was one of those moments where I was ‘giddy’ almost all of the time. For the past two semesters I’ve worked with the leadership team for the Catholic Community’s ecumenical retreat called Awakening. Awakening is one of those events we don’t talk about much when we describe it to people when we try to convince them to come. Some of it may be the environment, which our words can barely do justice to. Some of it could be need for not setting expectations so high they’ll never be met. I think it’s really that the relationships established can’t be expressed or related; they have to be experienced for their fullest effect.

Awakening is about college students sharing their faith. Rather than an ‘evangelical’ bible-thumping faith transmission, Awakening is when people drop the pretenses and guards and speak genuinely. Awakening is where real life happens. Relationships are formed within 24 hours that would take more than three years (as I’ve seen in my 3) on a college campus. Awakening is becoming aware that everyone struggles through similar issues to some extent and that only through sharing these can grow. Awakening is not a psychiatric therapy form but is deeper. The impact can completely change one’s outlook on life and humanity in general.

I said that I’ve Awoken again. This is my second retreat on the leadership team and my third Awakening. Each time I gain something different. This time I was lucky enough to witness bond formed in trust deeper than I thought possible for anyone under the age of 30. People trusted us as friends and shared their most painful struggles as well as some of their greatest joys. They decided that it was worth diving in and taking the chance. The only thing one can do after an experience like it is to thank God. It may just have been chance that we all happened to be at this retreat. Even if that’s so, the Holy Spirit flowed through the event and impacted hearts. When I first went to Awakening, I got some meaning at the retreat, but it wasn’t until weeks later that elements clicked. At this one, the elements were clicking in such a way that it sounded like a giant roll of bubble wrap all popped in a fast succession. The sounds were fun, security blankets were shed, and all we could do in response was hug without barriers. Awakening is genuine life sharing. Have you ever woken up?

I’ve known that I can justify procrastination in many things. This website sadly became one of them this past month. I’ve been meaning to do entries and updates every four days or so. Look how bad I’ve kept to that!

I’m in the middle of my first week back to school from Spring Break. Instead of doing a typical spring break trip either to home or to exotic locations with friends, I decided to do something out of the ordinary. I did a 5-day silent retreat at a Jesuit retreat house up on Lake Dallas (www.montserratretreat.org). Unbelievable is the only way to describe it. I did a ton of reading, a ton of writing, and quite a bit of praying during it. The goal was to help me figure out how to go about selecting a seminary and looking more into my calling to ministry. With the help of a spiritual director who I talked to once a day, I briefly covered those topics but also went much deeper. I’m still going through my journals and reflecting on it. During the next couple of months, you’ll probably see some of the entries show up on this site. The retreat was possible because of a grant I received through a fellowship I have with The Fund for Theological Education (www.thefund.org). I’m anxious to write up my reflection for them as well. I have all of this writing to do; now I just have to it! Oh bother! (hear that as Eeyore speaking from the Winnie the Pooh movies).

So what can you expect from this site coming up? First, several more picture galleries and additions to the ones I have up there. I’m going to hopefully find time this weekend to organize what goes on the site from the tons of pictures I’ve taken in the past month. Second, weekly reflections. I definitely don’t want to fall behind with these. Third, foreshadows to events, opportunities and other fun obscure things that I’m planning on doing in the future (for instance, many down here are shocked that I’m going to Florence, Italy for the Fall 2005 semester … more to come on that later). Fourth, either literary or lyrical insights from the material I’m reading or hearing.

The first entry for the lyrical insight comes from one of my favorite songs I’ve listened to WAY too much in the past month: “Take Me As I Am” from the musical Jekyll & Hyde .

Henry:
Sometimes I see past the horizon,
sure of my way, where I am going
But where’s the prize I have my eyes on?
Where? There is just no knowing!

And when despair tears me in two,
Who can I turn to but you?
You know who I am … take me as I am

Emma:
Look in my eyes, who do you see there?
Someone you know, or just a stranger?
If you are wise, you will see me there!
Love is the only danger!

Love meaning me, love meaning you,
We’ll make that one dream come true!
You know who I am … take me as I am.

Henry and Emma:
Though fate won’t always do what we desire
Still we can set this world on fire!

Give me your hand, give me your heart
Swear to me we’ll never part
You know who I am … this is who I am … take me as I am …

I don’t have any flowery insight to add to those lyrics or how they relate to my life. They’re poetic and cliché, yet so gorgeous (especially when put to music). One of the great insights I gained through the retreat, however, was to ask the question: in real life, who/what’s Emma and who/what’s Henry? In what ways do we show this level of devotion?

Today I tried to surmount a curse I’ve been living with for almost four years: I tried to donate blood. This was my third attempt at donating. Back during my senior year of high school I tried to donate twice and each time they ended up sticking the needles in each of my arms and neither arm “was wanting to bleed.” What was I supposed to think at that time? I was frustrated and told my parents that I didn’t want to do it again since all I got was two needle insertions and a lot of digging for a vein that they couldn’t find.

When I told my mom last night that I was going to donate today she asked why I’d changed my mind. The biggest reason was because I thought it’d work! I probably weighed around 205 or 210 when I tried to donate my senior year. Since then I’ve grown an inch and I’m also quite lighter. I can actually see blue lines of my veins in my arms now; I definitely couldn’t before. So, I had hope. Even though my veins have always been deep, they’re not as deep anymore since I’m not as deep physically!

The answer they tell me each time is to drink more water. If I drank more water, I’d never leave the bathroom! Yesterday I drank over 6 liters of water. My appointment this morning was for 10am and by that time, I’d already had 2 liters. I don’t think it’s a problem of dehydration. If it is, I’m not sure of a way to stop it.

So today’s attempt was also a failure. They tried the left arm first and then when that didn’t flow fast enough, they tried the right arm. Five minutes later, they said we’d be there for hours and it wasn’t worth it. So I left with two nice blue wrappings on my arms; they kind of even look sporty! Before I ever try to donate again I’m going to have some nurse friends find out the failsafe way for me to do so without as many sticks with needles!

What does it say that my veins are so deep or that they don’t like to bleed? Should I read into that and see it as metaphorical? The vessels that go to my heart really are guarded in a lot of ways. They’re starting to get tired of big needles probing around too. Hmmm, that may take further exploration, just without needles.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted stuff on here. We’ll need to fix that.

Ever have one of those days where you don’t have to worry about the things due in the next week or the stresses of life? I decided to finally take one of those today. Sure, I worked some and I also did several e-mails and stopped to see several people; but, overall I took time to simply enjoy it!

This afternoon I took pleasure in shopping for some photography supplies for my class as well as getting some things from Central Market. Not only was it fun to do, but one of my friends named Leslie joined me! After we ran errands we came back and met up with another friend named Karie and the three of us joined the Interfaith Council and went to the Modern Art Museum (www.mamfw.org) in Ft. Worth. I’ve been to the Kimbell Art Gallery, but never the Modern! It was really fun to go since the Modern is doing a gallery called Dan Flavin: A Retrospective which catalogues the works of this great artist who worked with fluorescent lighting designs. It was incredibly cool!

Afterwards, we out to McDonalds; yes, I know … you may be asking what is says if TCU students go first to the Modern and then to McDonalds. In any case, it was close and good. I don’t think I’ve had McDonalds since June, so it was a fun treat.

Karie, Leslie, Wade and I then went to the Museum of Science where Karie (and soon hopefully Wade) works. Karie got us free tickets to a showing of The Living Sea at the Omni theatre. Omni shows are so fun; but this one was extra-special since it had a lot of underwater videography. It makes me want to take Scuba lessons and do some dives to photograph a bunch of stuff. These expensive hobbies may be my downfall at some point in life; nevertheless, they’re becoming passions that are fun to explore!

Today I went to the University Career Services’ Junior Jumpstart conference. We boarded the busses at 9:20 this morning and got back around 6:20. I’m COMPLETELY exhausted. Within the first hour of being there, we were in a session on interviewing techniques. I was in a small group with only one other student and then a business-sector interviewing specialist who was giving us pointers. I didn’t realize we were going to be doing mock-interview types of questions while we were there. Even though I was caught off-guard, I think I presented myself well. I know I have some interviewing sections to improve, but at least I know which ones those are now.

The second session was on Networking. No, not computer networking (even though I’m good at that too). It was funny what stuff they emphasized. They taught us how to balance a cup and plate of food while also smoothly shaking hands and exchanging business cards at the same time. I guess this is probably a good skill to have; however, probably not for ministry. My philosophy on networking is that if someone has a conversation with me, there’s a good chance I’ll remember his or her name for a long time. If they want to make sure they remember mine, they can ask for a card (which I usually have). I’m not, however, going to practice these exchange techniques for networking-on-the-fly. My problem with this style of networking is that it is so ‘professional’ that a relationship is not formed and it does not feel genuine. I saw a person try a similar networking style this summer in Boston. He made sure to go around and get the cell phone numbers of most of the people he saw. Once he asked for their number, he’d then ask their name and introduce himself. Let’s just say I wasn’t that impressed.

The ‘career’ intuition tells us that this type of networking is what gets people hired. I’m not counting on it. The lunch session of the conference was good. I sat at a table with an Advertising/Public Relations person who worked for the Fort Worth Public Library Foundation. She offered us some fun stories of how she got into the job and how it was third in a line of them that just always fell into place for her.

After the luncheon, I sat on a session that guided students in how to look and prepare for graduate schools. It had such an emphasis on Law, Medical, and Business schools that several things didn’t apply. My applications aren’t due 10 months before I start the semester. In fact, most seminaries deadlines aren’t until March preceding fall admissions. To their credit, there was some helpful advice for asking for letters of recommendation and making it as easy on professors/others as possible.

Once I finished the graduate school info session I went to one on how to dress for success. A professor who teaches for TCU’s Fashion, Design and Textiles (or something like that) department led the workshop. It was somewhat strange since I was the only student in there and the other three participants were all women over the age of 40, two of whom worked for University Career Services. It was funny hearing about what items would make most employers immediately judge as lacking moral character. Body piercing, tattoos, and visible undergarment lines could be such taboos that show a lack of moral judgment. There was some helpful advice for me on how to carry multiple electronic accessories without doing the geek thing of wearing them all on the belt.

The final event of the day, the keynote, was the redeeming part of the conference. Throughout the event, everyone was propagating a strictly teleological message. We were to know what we wanted to do at all times and where we were going. If we did not have a destination, then we would fall to the side and not rise up to our full potential. The interviewing and networking sessions especially emphasized knowing everything you wanted before even talking with others since if you probably would not make a good impression. The keynote speaker, a TV and radio personality from the DFW market for almost 24 years, told us that if we are always willing to say yes and explore our passions, then things would work out and we could worry and fear less about the future and instead just work on making the present better. Her message was so refreshing since it was such a contrast to what we were hearing earlier. While it’s good to present ourselves well, there’s of benefit in not knowing what lies ahead and where specifically we’re going. Sometimes surprises can happen along the way that make it all worth it.

Overall, the keynote session redeemed the conference. I learned bits and pieces throughout the day, but overall it wasn’t as applicable to my situation as I’d hoped it might be. The entire ethos of ministerial employment and hiring practices isn’t congruent in many ways with that of the corporate world. Ministers who readily hand out business cards are too aggressive. One can have a phenomenal resume and still be a lousy pastor. One can say all of the right things to a congregation and the situation may still not be as good as possible. Do seminaries offer these types of events specifically aimed at students going into ministry? That may play a factor in where I decide to go. We’ll see!

I kept asking myself during the day if I would recommend that other Religion students go to these types of events. While I didn’t get as much out of it as I’d hoped, looking back on most Religion students they’re not like me. I’m specifically thinking of many of the graduates in 2004 that really could have used some of the interviewing and self-promotional skills that the conference offered. While I get sick of those so self-centered that one can barely relate to them, I also get sick of TCU Religion majors graduating and blaming the department because they haven’t found jobs or are just wandering around directionless. There are so many benefits in having self-initiative and grounding compassion and connections.

How does one measure progress? For college students it has to be one class at a time. Today was so draining, yet also so fulfilling. I had 8.5 hours of class as well as a meeting afterwards. In those hours were also two tests. Let’s start at the beginning.

Last night I’d been planning on relaxing and just hanging out since I didn’t have anything to do for Valentine’s. I did this and got so many things done. I remembered right after dinner that my application for studying abroad in Florence was due. I filled that out and wrote my essay for it in under an hour. I then finished outlining some of the key points for our reading by James Cone for Senior Seminar in Religion. After I finished that, I wrote up my weekly journal post and did some other reading. Well, I knew that I had my exam in Major British Writers this morning and I figured that I would lie down and read my notes and then go to sleep. I’d completely forgotten that Dr. Frye had given out a study guide for it. This wasn’t a normal study guide of concepts to know; it was the full-blown essay questions! He said that he wanted us to bring in an outline of our essay and be ready for the identifications he was going to ask us. There went my plans for just reading in bed. I started this at 11:30 and finished with it all around 2am; at least I felt adequately prepared!

The test went very well. I enjoyed writing some humorous responses to some of the questions and I was also able to tie in Greek and German stuff that I knew. Yeah, it’s Major British Writers, although it still ties in! After that, I normally wouldn’t have class; however, because of my project in my Directed Study in Greek, I sat in on Dr. Schmidt’s class on Paul and the Early Church. Between that and Buddhism I handed in my application for the Florence program and prepared myself for the rest of the day. Buddhism was especially mentally taxing today since we did a lot of philosophy stuff!

In my Photography lab, I developed a couple of the pictures I took of Mason (one of my roommates) skateboarding this weekend. I went from the Lab to a test in Sports Nutrition, then met Jessica (one of my friends from Catholic Community) for dinner and then we both went on to meetings. What a day! I’m almost completely drained, and have SO much to do before tomorrow morning, but I’m loving almost every bit of it. Now to go work out at the Rec. Center and prep for the Trail.

Do you ever hit one of those stages where you wonder what the point is to everything? I hit one of those stages this past week. Starting on Friday night and going through until Wednesday my sleep schedule was insane. I’d hit bursts of energy at 2am and keep going. I’d set my alarm, wake up, fall back to sleep; or, worse yet, I’d sleep through two alarms that I set. My days seemed full of work and were incredibly tedious. I wasn’t enjoying much that I was doing and it seemed like I should have had a passion, or at least been enthused, for what I was doing.

I did face an issue when I let my attitude infect my reading of the Senior Seminar text for this week. I really didn’t appreciate the author or his style. W.C. Smith’s What is Scripture? is a very long and boring reading. Too often I kept asking myself, “What’s his point?!?” Not only could I not figure out at first what he was trying to say, but I also couldn’t figure out who he was trying to say it to. It didn’t seem like he had an audience in mind. Dr. Camp did a great job of explaining his argument to us in class and different ways that the argument could address many of the extremes in Religion. She explained the trilateral relationship he defined scripture as: a connection between people, texts (material) and transcendence. The way I let my attitude cloud my judgment was that I still challenged WHY he wrote it. I guess I implicitly asked why we had to read it too. I think it’s possible to be able to study Religion and to understand scripture without having to be able to articulate the tri-partite relationship that Smith explored. One can understand the meaning of the scripture, the value that the community, which regards it as scripture, gives it, and the way it affects the community without having to articulate this relationship. This may be my downfall. I’ve let my attitude rule my judgment and I’ve decided that I think Smith was going the motions and getting it printed. I don’t see a purpose for this work. Who’s he trying to change or convince or even impact? Is he trying to affect historians? Possibly, but probably not. Is he trying to affect ministers? If so, he would have to have done it in SUCH a different way. Is he trying to affect religious zealots? They’re probably not going to read it. Some of my peers tried to convince me that this will have the trickle-down effect with the educational system and will greatly affect the people Smith was trying to reach. I’m not convinced. If a class of 18 people, who read it once, didn’t understand his meaning without the professor explaining it step-by-step, then we probably aren’t going to read it again and we probably won’t be suggesting this as good reading to others. I don’t think it’ll trickle down. Given the meaning that Dr. Camp explained to us, I kind of hope it does. The message seems to be valid and needed. I don’t think Smith’s writing will do it.

Besides just feeling like Smith is going through the motions, I feel like I am too. In Buddhism this week, I had to write a paper. I did it at the last minute, and wrote a good one. I’d been thinking on it for a week, but it still wasn’t something that I invested in as much as I should have. I was just going through an academic exercise and not worrying that much about the implications or even the process. I was kind of on auto-pilot. While I guess it’s good that I can succeed while going through life with little personal commitment, shouldn’t there be more? Shouldn’t I be living for something else? Obviously, the answer of God comes up, and my dry retort is that this entire process is helping me grow to serve God better. But still, am I getting as much out of this as I should be? Am I reaching my full potential? Why do I keep asking with myself as the focus? That may be the key. The nice thing is that when I get into these static periods of life that keep cruising along at the same velocity, something usually changes the pace without my noticing it. I’ll keep my eyes open!

I, Adam Frieberg, do solemnly swear to never again disparage the use of footnotes. While I reserve the right to critique those who use copious amounts of footnotes, I hereby recognize that footnotes have their purposes. My actions earlier in Senior Seminar of labeling the students who read footnotes as overachievers was completely uncalled for and for that I am truly sorry. The Almighty must have concurred because the reading assignment tonight for Dr. Frye’s Major British Writers class was to read “The Knight’s Tale” in Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in MIDDLE ENGLISH! I humbly recognize that footnotes can be my friend and that in this case having three or four footnotes per line of prose is indeed called for, in order to adequately convey whatever the hell the author was trying to say. I now must apologize for previously using the word ‘hell’ because Microsoft Word definitely just flagged it with a green squiggle line. Oh how I long for easy ways to read footnotes, much like the ever-increasing simplicity of composing copious amounts of college prose using the computer. On this night, on this late hour, I assert that footnotes are not foes and should be given full status as valid stylistic devices.