Attention Please

This semester one of my courses is the Senior Seminar in the Religion Department. I’ve never had a class that required such intense reading and discussions. This past week we read the second half of Diana Eck’s book, Encountering God: A Spiritual Journey from Bozeman to Banaras (Amazon). In her book, Eck explores how different faiths around the world perceive and imagine God. My favorite chapter from the book is “Attention to God: The Practice of Prayer and Meditation.”

After talking with several of my classmates about the chapter, we all concluded that this is the stuff that we don’t read as religion majors but should as active Christians. Eck’s writing gives us a glimpse of what many of us neglect or ignore in our spiritual lives. We ban the silence in favor of anything, just so we can have comfort. We find silent situations when we aren’t prepared and our minds construct the feeling of awkwardness. I’m convinced that college is THE most difficult place to have an attentive spiritual life.

This semester I’m also taking Buddhism with Dr. Andy Fort. Not only is it great to learn about other religions’ ideas, but for me it’s better to learn about their practices. Early in the semester we had to do a meditation project where we meditated and tried to just observe the thoughts that flew through our mind. Talk about intense! Dr. Fort uses the metaphor of a “drunken monkey,” although I now prefer “the mind is a giant pinball machine with an unlimited supply of balls.” The project was informative in many ways; probably the greatest insight I gained is how often my mind focuses on little obsessions that I have. I was lucky to do that near the beginning of the semester because it helped an even better experience.

I’ve mentioned this before in a previous post. During Spring Break this year I was lucky enough to get to do a five-day spiritual retreat. The great thing about this retreat was that it was a silent one. I met with a spiritual director, Fr. Jack Vessels, for an hour a day. That limited time, along with the masses we had, was when I talked during that week. It was magical. Going over to the retreat, I listened to my iPod and talked on the cell, trying to create a sharp juxtaposition with what I knew I was going to experience.

I’m still processing the specific internal aspects of the week (yeah, I know it’s been almost 7 weeks since I finished the retreat; I’m a busy guy though!). I journaled throughout the week and I’m in the process of transcribing them. I’m only on day 2 at the moment. More important than what happened during the week is what has happened since. Each full day I was there, I did three prayer sessions per day and went though some of Ignatius’ Spiritual Exercises with Jack. The environment was perfect and I felt closer to God that week than I have before in my life.

Then came the return to school. It’s unreal for me to see how much I changed while I was there. When I returned, before most people even knew that I did the retreat, they would say comments like “Adam, what’s different?” or better yet “Adam, you seem so peaceful now, was it from taking time off?” My nature when I returned was drastically different from when I left. Since then, I’ve regressed to some extent. The retreat polarized me in many ways. People say I’m more outgoing, yet I also know that I ‘bottle’ a lot more than I used to. More than these changes, I now have a void. Part of it may be what I’ve been creating in my preparation for my summer internship, but mostly it’s my longing for another experience like the one I had at Montserrat. It’s painful to be back in this situation. It’s like sitting in a hot tub and then jumping into a swimming pool. The change is intense, but afterwards neither of the experiences is as fulfilling as I remember them.

I realize that I can’t recreate or reinstantiate the memories, but I should at least get closer than I am. Why does the college atmosphere completely suck for having both contemplative moments and relationships with others? It seems most of the time you can have one or the other, but not both. Reading Eck’s chapter brought the memories flooding back from the week. What was even better was that this weekend I went back home to Iowa. I haven’t seen family since I came down to Ft. Worth in January and this trip was wonderful for not only seeing them but also watching Luke play soccer and watching the baby foals on our horse farm (there are SO many of them!). I read Eck’s chapter on the return flight to Ft. Worth. When I was finishing the chapter, I looked out my window on the plane and below me was the junction in Denton where I-35 splits into the east and west sections. I couldn’t believe it. Montserrat wasn’t only in the forefront of my memories, but also my vision! I could see Lake Dallas and the curve where I’m pretty sure Montserrat was. If we’d have taken another landing trajectory I would have probably been able to see it even better. Seeing the lake and surrounding myself with the memories gave me a short reminder of the feelings I’m yearning for. Whether or not they’ll ever come back isn’t the question. I’d love it if they do, but I’m also aware that they may never do so. Probably the best advice I have for making room for those moments came from the flight attendant on my flight back to Ft. Worth when giving us the warning on electronics: “You know, if it has an On/Off switch, you should turn it to Off!”

I walked into the Student Center today and saw his face on the TV. It was a face I dreaded. There was no way that the conclave had just elected Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger as the pope. Did they? Yep. What followed was a quick jog back to the apartment to watch CNN and skip lunch until Buddhism class.

My first suspicion of Ratzinger started in my Contemporary Catholicism class last Fall. Before I’d even read anything about him I was suspicious. It may have been that ‘rat’ is in his name, but something just rubbed me the wrong way. After I’d read more about him, he wasn’t villainous, but he did go against a lot of things I appreciate. Heading the group that censured theologians, Ratzinger started out on the wrong position with me. Coming from my background, I can rarely see times where censorship is the best solution, especially in terms of Liberation theology as well as women’s ordination.

Could it really have happened? They had just elected this man to serve as a spiritual leader to over 1 billion people, and someone to be admired by even more.

After several hours of stewing over it, I think I’m more comfortable with it than I would have been with a dark horse papabile. Benedict is known for his strict stance and his ability to deal with doctrine. While for most this may be a negative effect, he could strengthen the church by helping Catholics articulate their faith even better than many do now.

My biggest concern was his stance on Christian unity. Interdenominational efforts probably aren’t going to be helped by his papacy. His strictness will get in the way. Watching CNN this afternoon I saw an interview with Cardinal Kasper, the German Cardinal who heads the Pontifical Council on Christian Unity. I loved his comments. While he didn’t reassure me that Benedict would be the best Pope for unity (almost no one could be after John Paul II), he did serve as a reminder that the Catholic Church is more than just the Pope. Even though Papal primacy still exists, the Catholic Church is also mostly made up of the over 1 billion other members.

A lot of the issues of ‘crisis’ for the American Catholic Church probably won’t be solved by Benedict. Even though the priesthood shortage, the laity’s struggle for an involved role, and the general distrust in the hierarchy won’t be solved, Benedict will, hopefully, be able to give Catholics a firmer voice.

Benedict’s comments when he appeared at the window overlooking St. Peter’s square, “I am comforted by the fact that the Lord knows how to work and act even with insufficient instruments. And above all, I entrust myself to your prayers.” Just like God working in the Eucharist through inept priests, I’m anxious to see God work through Benedict. Surprises may, and probably will, happen.

What’s that place that’s always open and usually no one will know your name? I had to get transparency sheets tonight that I could print on my laser printer. Staples? Negative, closes at 9pm. Office Max? Negative, closes at 9pm. Target? Negative, closes at 10:00pm (I was close to making it for that one). Wal-mart! That’s always open — at least the one on Hulen street is, right? NOPE!!! Wally World was actually closed tonight. When I drove up I definitely saw all of the lights off and signs in front of the doors saying “Closed due to Power Outage.”

It was almost as if someone was trying to send me a sign telling me to quit spacing off my time schedule and putting things off until the last minute. It’ll be a life-long habit. Nevertheless, it was entertaining to have four stores all closed. I’m still in good spirits though. I got a lot done today! Last night before I went to bed I came up with a list of 19 things I needed to do today. I finished 6 of them, have 4 of them halfway done, at think I can get to the rest of the list by the end of the week. The summer’s adventures and then this fall’s travels to Italy and Europe are keeping me afloat at the moment (in the clouds or something else, take your pick).

OK, I’m going to quit apologizing for not updating this as often. It’s SO hard to do with a college schedule; or I guess it’s hard with this student’s college schedule.

This weekend was one of those moments where I was ‘giddy’ almost all of the time. For the past two semesters I’ve worked with the leadership team for the Catholic Community’s ecumenical retreat called Awakening. Awakening is one of those events we don’t talk about much when we describe it to people when we try to convince them to come. Some of it may be the environment, which our words can barely do justice to. Some of it could be need for not setting expectations so high they’ll never be met. I think it’s really that the relationships established can’t be expressed or related; they have to be experienced for their fullest effect.

Awakening is about college students sharing their faith. Rather than an ‘evangelical’ bible-thumping faith transmission, Awakening is when people drop the pretenses and guards and speak genuinely. Awakening is where real life happens. Relationships are formed within 24 hours that would take more than three years (as I’ve seen in my 3) on a college campus. Awakening is becoming aware that everyone struggles through similar issues to some extent and that only through sharing these can grow. Awakening is not a psychiatric therapy form but is deeper. The impact can completely change one’s outlook on life and humanity in general.

I said that I’ve Awoken again. This is my second retreat on the leadership team and my third Awakening. Each time I gain something different. This time I was lucky enough to witness bond formed in trust deeper than I thought possible for anyone under the age of 30. People trusted us as friends and shared their most painful struggles as well as some of their greatest joys. They decided that it was worth diving in and taking the chance. The only thing one can do after an experience like it is to thank God. It may just have been chance that we all happened to be at this retreat. Even if that’s so, the Holy Spirit flowed through the event and impacted hearts. When I first went to Awakening, I got some meaning at the retreat, but it wasn’t until weeks later that elements clicked. At this one, the elements were clicking in such a way that it sounded like a giant roll of bubble wrap all popped in a fast succession. The sounds were fun, security blankets were shed, and all we could do in response was hug without barriers. Awakening is genuine life sharing. Have you ever woken up?